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Well! So much for getting back on the horse with my writing again, huh. Who could have possibly forseen this? Why do I feel like we've been here before?

Truth is, every time that I think I know what I want to do with this blog, the ideas just fizzle out. Nothing has ever really felt right. I've certainly spent a lot of time wondering what even gives me the right to be handing out advice on the internet, as if I have a shred of an idea of what I'm even doing. I have little interest in doing informative pieces anymore. My opinion pieces mostly just end up as rants, or as me projecting my opinions about one isolated event into some sort of criticism of the communities I'm in at large, both of which are obnoxious at best. (Being obnoxious on the internet is arguably what the internet is for at this point, but it's emotionally bad for me and a habit I'm trying to break.)

I do want to keep writing, though, and I want to do it more often. I just end up falling back into the loop of having nothing to say or not feeling worthy of Having A Take until I either give up or forget what I wanted to write about. Even though I said that I was fine with my posts being shorter! I kept feeling like I needed to write something Substantial, something with Purpose. And then another three months went by where I went radio silent on here.

Not much has changed from Hermit Winter, honestly. I'm still stuck in my own head a lot, even as I try to pivot to actually Doing The Work I Want To Do instead of just thinking about it. I get caught in loops of wondering how I can write about my personal magical/religious/whatever practices without making the whole thing look like some big performance for the internet, something that I've been woefully guilty of in the past. Or I'm trying to focus on my practical actions out in The Real World(tm), and I fall down a rabbit hole of trying to figure out how I can change my unhealthy habits for the better without falling into the trap of Wellness By Way Of Buying More Things. These two thought bubbles loom over my head basically all the time, sapping my brain space that I'd rather be using elsewhere. Like, y'know, making things. Writing for the blog.

So, fuck it. Here's a list of shit I've gotten done since the last time we spoke in mid-April. Let it be a testament that at the very least I am still kicking, I am refusing to let all of my ideas get stuck in the tar pit of my anxious mind, and that some of the stuff I'm doing is actually kinda cool. We'll get back to worrying about the actual substantial writing later.

• Completed a course called Building A Practice with the iconic Aidan Wachter, whose work and advice has greatly influenced my spiritual practice(s) in a positive direction.
• Stopped reading self-help books nonstop and started actually doing things to help myself.
• Turned 24, and began the work of a highly personally significant long-term magical project (there was a full moon on my birthday, which gave me no choice).
• Got back into abstract painting, purely for funsies.
• Started drawing again, then stopped drawing again. Realized I was falling back into the trap of productivity guilt and needing my work to be constantly improving. Taking a step back from it again has allowed me to remind myself that I make art because it is fun and because I love it, not to achieve some end where I become famous for my art. Finally accepting that it's okay if I decide to not get into the art field professionally, or if I just keep it a side thing.
• Got thrown facefirst into a trial run of the role at work that I'll eventually be taking over, when the current holder of that role ended up on unexpected medical leave. It's going fine, I guess, or at the very least is emotionally preparing me for the nonsense I'll have to put up with, and is allowing me to set some boundaries way in advance.
• Finally successfully planned a weekend trip that will actually be peaceful and fun, with a much smaller group than the last debacle I helped to facilitate.
• FINALLY invested in a decent app blocker that's forcing me to stay off of social media during key points of the day, with far fewer workarounds for me to exploit. I do feel a bit childish for essentially having to put child safety locks on Discord and Instagram, but doing so has been really freeing.
• FINALLYYYYYYY curbing my habits of stress eating, eating when I'm bored instead of when I'm hungry, skipping meals, and constantly ordering takeout. Finally making actual breakfast in the actual kitchen again instead of compulsively stopping at Dunkin every morning.
• Replayed some video games that I really like, just for the fun of it.
• Most recently, celebrated the anniversaries of my devotion to the two most important deities in my religious practice (see, we tied this post into the theme of the rest of the blog eventually!).

And hey, those things are all pretty cool. It's nice to at least be able to list out the things I've gotten done lately, especially as these oppressively hot summer days are beginning to blend together again. I don't know about the rest of you, but I've been vaguely feeling like I'm having some sort of out-of-body experience for a while, but my good old friend Making Lists always brings me back down to reality.

So that's where I've been these last three months. I hope that all of you are doing well, or at least as well as you can be given [vague hand gestures] all of that. As I write to you, my state is blanketed in the haze of smoke from another wildfire up north, and every time this happens I feel a little bit more doom about everything. But I guess that's also why declaring our victories and putting them out into the world is still important. Try to do it too, if you're not already. Sending love.